Here my journey begins.. I promised to love and look after myself, yet I realised it’s much harder to stick to the promise if you don’t truly feel it. Don’t get me wrong – I want to be happy but there is still a part of me thinking that I am not deserving. I want to fight that part of me, but all it is asking for is more love and I find it quite difficult. Since I want to help myself, I have to stick to some sort of plan.
Recently, I thought a lot about the things that make me happy. At first, I couldn’t think of much, it’s quite hard to think about happy feelings when you are not resonating with them. For me it was remembering what I loved to do as a child. When I lived in Lithuania I would spend hours in nature and swimming in the lake was always my favourite activity. But it is a cold time of year and it is really difficult to find places in England (even in summer) where you can swim outdoors. Same goes for wild camping, which is my other favourite activity – it is illegal here.. I just had to think of a different plan.
This morning I set my alarm clock for 6.30am. I normally start my working day at 9am, but this time I really wanted to go for a walk in the woods and greet the sun. I made myself some coffee in a thermos mug and took my camera with me, thinking that I might get some inspiration from it (I have barely touched it since I’ve finished university, except for when I needed to photograph some finished knitwear). I was strolling through the fields, remembering that I had seen some beautiful areas around the farmlands, but the field I wanted to shoot in was full of sheep. Some of them seemed frightened to see me approach the gate, and a few were staring at me as if giving me a warning. I felt bad for disturbing them so turned around and started walking away. The ‘what’s the point’ feeling caught up with me as my plans didn’t work out the way I had wanted. The sun was still not up and a thick fog was covering the lands. I was wondering if I would be able to see the sunrise at all and was considering going back home. Everything went completely quiet for a moment and at that second the inner message came through. I heard it so clearly telling me to relax and stay! Following that feeling I opened my thermos mug, sat down on the wet grass and started drinking coffee.
Then something magical happened – the fog cleared, the sun came up and it was brighter than I’ve seen it in a while. My heart was singing! I started taking pictures and walked everywhere my feelings guided me. I ended up in the most beautiful patch of woods I didn’t even know existed in this area. I sat down by a tree, closed my eyes and touched the rough bark with my fingers. The energy I felt was so tingly and warm, it filled me up straight away! I remembered how I used to hug trees all the time when I was little, but hadn’t done it in a long time and completely forgot its effects..
The warmth of the sun and the company of trees completely captivated me and by the time I reached home it was 11am (whoops!). But I have to say I feel so energised and inspired, even working late doesn’t sound like such a bad idea! May you all find your inspiration! Have a beautiful Valentine’s day! Ursule ♥