Let me share a bit of my story with you. I have always found it difficult to keep a regular job. In the past I repeatedly struggled to accept the unfair divide between management and floor staff, I just couldn’t handle the inequality. I am a very loyal person, but my sensitivity and rebellion would kick in every time me or someone else would be mistreated. I believed that it was best to walk away from the torture and felt like there had to be a place for me where I belonged. I just couldn’t find it.. I changed tonnes of jobs and with every job I would dedicate myself to, I felt like I had less energy and love for life. My light was getting dimmer and the voice at the back of my head was constantly reminding me of my failure. I often joked about the fact that I was failing to be an adult.
I reached the point where I wanted to leave society for good and live in the middle of nowhere where I could grow my own food and live with the animals (I still dream about it every day).
I remember the first time my rebellion took over. I had just been made redundant, and felt upset and angry. I was knitting a lot in my free time because it was my getaway from real life, so it seemed pretty obvious to turn it into my job. I took that opportunity to declare myself self-employed and opened my knitwear business.
I was knitting day and night to make plenty of stock for the markets, but when spoken to or complimented I could barely say a word – I couldn’t believe that I was any good or that any of my work was worth much. I was giving away loads of stock for free or for a very small price, even though I spent all those hours working on it.. I wish I could have understood then what I know now about self-esteem issues with my work. The business was making a tiny bit of income, but was going nowhere. I became depressed and experienced anxiety and panic attacks regularly. I was still working from home and was pushing myself more and more, but nothing seemed to move forward. All I was left with was a chaotic head and a strong drive to escape society. I realised that I had turned my passion into a chore and it wasn’t working for me. I strove for yet another job to support myself and hoped that I would finally fit in and be happy.
Guess what happened next?… I actually enjoyed the career change for a while as I was caring for elderly people. At that time I was cycling to work 20 miles each day and it made me feel free for the first time (it’s amazing how excercise in nature can do that!). The morning mist and sunrise would merge into one another, herons would bathe in rivers observing their own reflections and the air filled my lungs with an inexplicable joy! That freedom and unconditional happiness brought me more ideas, to the point where my creativity was just overflowing! But work didn’t leave me much time for anything else, so once again – I decided to work for myself.
I have to say – this has been the best decision yet! Not just because nobody is telling me what to do, but.. because I have found a path to self-love.
It is funny how we all are being pushed beyond our limits in this world. There is no time to rest, no time to enjoy, no time to sit still and hear your own heart for a minute. And yet in that stillness I have found my answers. I have discovered the same pattern playing throughout my life over and over again. And I finally started seeing the situation more clearly – I was deprived of love. No, it wasn’t the love from the outside world I was lacking, rather it was me; constantly punishing myself for not being good enough, followed by seeking love from everyone else, (which usually led to rejection and even less self-worth). It was the biggest discovery for me, especially when one day I saw that the one I was punishing was myself as a child – it was quite disturbing to say the least.. I was already familiar with the concept of an inner-child – your true self that lives in you and all of us; it is the part that can make quite a scene if there’s a suppressed traumatic experience. We still have that child dwelling within us, as we were all children once.
How many of us actually ignore our inner voices when we get an idea, a craving, or just feel tired and want a quick nap. Instead of following this voice we brush it under the carpet or try to man-up and have yet another cup of coffee to keep us awake to do more work. I know I was. This is how we are raised, sometimes even taught to believe that we are worthless and can only be loved when we have achieved something. But it is not true, and what we don’t realise is that this inner voice, this intuition comes as a signal leading us to truly restore ourselves and find happiness. And when we are happy – we are inspired. With inspiration present you have the inner urge to be productive and that’s where pushing and punishing becomes redundant. There’s nothing worse than living a life you hate and feeling like you don’t deserve anything. I can’t say I have mastered self-love yet, but I want to invite you all on the journey to self-discovery and love. Together, we can achieve it and inspire one another to wholeness.
Now my child is whispering me to go for a walk in the woods!
Wish you all a beautiful day! Bear hugs, Ursule