Autumn is that time of the year when we see death all around us. Observing how one cycle ends and another begins, always inspired me to adapt the same attitude to my own life. It encouraged me to let go of what is old and outdated, and welcome the new – in whatever form. However, this year everything feels very unusual. It is as if life and death are merging together, and it is happening all at once, rather than in a sequence. Within it all there is a hidden message of new, unrecognised, doors opening, and letting more of the light in. Immersed in two opposite feelings of life and death, I see, that I finally find my own truths for the first time.
It all started about a month ago. I went through a miscarriage, and it was quite an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I was blaming myself for what had happened, and was anxious about talking to anyone. These feelings lasted for a while, getting heavier each day until I couldn’t handle them anymore. I decided to embrace the emotions and allow them to consume me fully. In the midst of surrendering to my darkest shadows, I received acceptance over what had happened and was shown the light I had forgotten. I found the chamber of my heart, where I could always feel safe. It was truly sad to lose a life growing inside of me, but at the same time I couldn’t help but see it as a situation which contained many hidden wonders. In this grief, I found unconditional love and the highest amounts of gratitude. I learned to be nurturing and empathise with my own feelings. Holding myself in a safe space was something I never knew how to achieve before. And this loss has taught me how to do it. It was probably the first time in my life when I experienced life and death merging together.
Last week I had planned to be in Lithuania, visiting my family. When I bought the plane tickets, it was meant to be a visit, where I shared the great news of pregnancy with everyone. They all knew what had happened, but I felt like I couldn’t face them. I also had a strong intuition guiding me not to go, and it haunted me for over a week. I always listen to my gut feelings, but this time I tried not to pay as much attention to it. I knew that I had booked the flight, therefore there was no way out of it. Everyone was waiting for me to come back. Slowly, but surely, guilt started creeping in, overwhelming my senses even more, I was crying almost every day. I just wanted to understand, why I had this immense fear inside of me.
It was beyond hard for me to make the decision not to go, and it was hard for everyone a thousand plus miles away to hear and accept it. Little manipulative elements started entering in, encouraging me to change my mind. And I almost gave in! Suddenly, I caught my reflection in a mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw. My inner child was screaming through me: ‘please don’t make me do this! Please don’t make me go..’. I knew there was some unresolved trauma lurking beneath. Completely overwhelmed by all the feelings, I finally remembered; to apply the unconditional love I had been learning to offer myself recently, to return to my heart chamber of safety. I was granted forgiveness. It was as if the brightest light had entered my body, I knew exactly what I needed. I plucked up the courage to do something I had never done before with my family – I listened to my heart and stubbornly stood my ground.
I feel invincible now. Not in a physical or emotional way, but in the solidarity of my own truths. For me it was SO important to undergo these experiences, and I am amazed how many lessons pain can provide. For the first time I feel like I am completely free from my parents and their opinions. I no longer have to fulfil the roles that are expected of me. I can just be me, Ursule. And I am finally transforming into my truest form. Cutting the old, outdated beliefs about oneself, and unhealthy, sometimes manipulative cords in our relationships can be really hard. But I feel like if you dare to take that risk, and overcome the fear of losing it all, it can be beyond rewarding. Lots of love and warmth to you, Ursule