Woah it’s been a while since I last wrote, I don’t even know where to start.. I can’t believe we are already in the midst of autumn – my favourite season! And I wish I could say it’s been a light and easy time so far.. but this year truly seems like a year that was meant to cause a big shake up. It keeps bringing the most unexpected lessons to be learned, emotions to be released and outcomes that I have never dreamed of. I thought that the last spring brought me the most difficult time in my personal growth, leaving me with massive changes in my character and outlook on life; someone who I can’t fully recognise. But I think the last couple of months have topped it all. And yet – I feel incredibly grateful that I was open enough to receive these big changes once again.
I’ve seen and felt a lot of people going through meltdowns recently, alongside big and difficult life changes. I felt like my life train had fallen off the tracks, and I was the only one trying to push it back on. The intensity all around was so overwhelming it became hard to pinpoint exactly what the issue was. My interest in the world, people and activities had completely disappeared and the responsibilities at work grew enormously. It felt as if there was no time to breathe, and I was drowning in my own exhaustion. When I finally realised that this was the product of a lack of self respect, I instantly booked some time off work and purely dedicated it to giving myself some love. I spent my days in nature, tuning into my surroundings and sitting with trees, collecting blackberries to make some cordial for winter and saying my goodbyes to the last dragonflies. I have to say, my soul is thanking me for it.
It is quite funny for me now to think about some realisations I came up with; like how despite me being such a naturally bubbly and excitable person, who loves and needs socialising, I had started really disliking people. I was convinced that this is just how I am – a bitter woman who prefers animals to humans, but.. I was so wrong for most of my life! Thankfully, now I see it to be a big, red warning sign instead. It was always a loud, screaming voice in my head that repeated the same words: “you need to disappear, leave all this humanity bullshit behind!”, but now I’m helping myself to learn and rephrase it to: “stop for a moment, breathe, be gentle with yourself, as you need some love!”. Oh god I needed it.. And I am so happy to have finally discovered this about myself! It is just so curious that we do not see or feel this fine line getting closer and closer to us, until it is almost too late. We fall back into old, self-destructive habits instead of giving ourselves some love! Sadly, many people would rather punish themselves than nurture their souls.
I think it is really important to remember, that the time of growth is for growth alone, that there is no need to push yourself to be happy when you’re not, or productive when you are simply exhausted. Ironically, it only prolongs your journey rather than allowing you to achieve what is wanted. Sometimes all our bodies need is just a day spent in bed. If you can’t allow yourself that, there are so many other ways to relax completely, like taking a bath or a walk in nature. I really hope all of you beautiful people are taking proper care of yourselves in these intense times. Lots of love, Ursule